LMAO! I got an ex wife just like that. lol

 

from an e-mail:
Subject: Living At Home With a Vibrator
AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE

BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER
DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE
ASKED:

'WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M ! ! THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED,
AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND! PLEASE,
GO
AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR.

UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE
TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER
SAID:

'DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS
I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE
GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING
FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.
SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH,
DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO
HIM ON THE
COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?'
THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.'

 

A man goes on a cruise and takes his pet bird that could talk. Every night there is a magician performing tricks on this cruise. The man Loves magic trick's so he goes every night. After every trick the the bird would give the trick away. the bird would go "SQUAK he put it up his sleeve" and "SQUAK its in his hat." Toward the end of the cruise the magician starts to go crazy and has enough of this bird. He pulls out his pistol and shoots at the bird. The bird ducks and the bullet hits a propane tank and blows the boat into a million peace's. The only survivors from the explosion are the magician and this bird. As there floating along on 2 piece's of wood the bird turn's to the man and says "Ok i give up what the F*** you do with the boat?"

 

What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball??
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-
-
-
-
-
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You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball..........

 

HHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHAHAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHH HAAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH
AHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAHA



that was superb

 

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.

Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?"

Everyone is shocked. "I heard about this kind of thing happening!" Bills says. "What did the alien do to you?"

"I don't remeber all the details," Ted says. "All I remember is being anally probed by the alien."

Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"

Ted responds, "Carl."

 

lmao!!!!

 

Little Johnny wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.


Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.


The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.


Little Johnny was delighted with the $5.
00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those a$$holes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

 

A cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand,
certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees
an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks
to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no
ordinary genie.

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a
dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie.
"You know how I work....

You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust a FEMA
genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like
you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.

"OK! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink"

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and
he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare e
gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says..."I wish that no matter
where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going
to be a string attached

 

hahahahahahahahahhahahaha

so great

this one takes some intelligence to get...

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels. After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.

The angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying.

"The R! They left out the R!"

"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"