Random joke thread
Senior Member
1st Gear Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,932
From: derry nh
RE: Random joke thread
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub
Senior Member
1st Gear Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,932
From: derry nh
RE: Random joke thread
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
Thread Starter
|
Senior Member
1st Gear Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 551
From: Bozeman, MT
RE: Random joke thread
A young cowboy from Oklahoma goes off to college, but halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Stillwater that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!" says his father, "no kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But the cowboy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some bad news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the dorm room, kicked back in the bed, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?' "
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a ***** before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and congressman.
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!" says his father, "no kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But the cowboy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some bad news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the dorm room, kicked back in the bed, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?' "
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a ***** before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and congressman.
Senior Member
1st Gear Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,932
From: derry nh
RE: Random joke thread
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."The first man said."You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife,"The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes.
"I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."The first man said."You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife,"The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes.
"I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Senior Member
1st Gear Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,932
From: derry nh
RE: Random joke thread
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
Senior Member
1st Gear Member
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 374
From: Fort Saskatchewan, AB
RE: Random joke thread
ORIGINAL: ben_cline
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter. We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
I said, "No."
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night". We went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
"Mom, you still awake?"
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter. We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
I said, "No."
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night". We went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
"Mom, you still awake?"
ahahahaha, ewww
rofl, omg kx, that was awesome
Senior Member
1st Gear Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,932
From: derry nh
RE: Random joke thread
a blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the atlantic. all of a sudden there's a loud bang. the pilot announces over the intercom "I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. we'll be delayed 45 minutes."
suddenly there's another bang. once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours.
shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours.
The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, "Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day."
suddenly there's another bang. once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours.
shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours.
The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, "Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day."