awesome !

 

NOW THAT"S FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In fact its so funny I am going to show my mother-in-law. I think she will laugh.

 

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I were an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

 

Tastless Jokes:
Why don't women need watches?

Because there's a clock on the stove.


What's the difference between a Ducati and a pile of dead babies?

There's not a Ducati in my garage.


What do you call a quadraplegic in a hole?

Phil.


What do you call a quadraplegic in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

 

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his fly. The bartender glances up as he comes in, then does a double take.

"Hey, Buddy!" He exclaims. "Do you know you have a steering wheel attached to your willie?"

"Aye." Says the pirate. "It's drivin' me nuts."

 

HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT

Hillary Clinton was sworn in today as President. She has disposed of Bill and is spending her first night alone in the White House. She has waited several years for this.

FIRST NIGHT

Suddenly! The ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

SECOND NIGHT

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

THIRD NIGHT

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

-----------------------------------------------------------
Laura Bush bought George a parrot for his birthday. She said to Dick Cheney, "That bird is so smart! George has taught him over 200 words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you do realize, don't you, that he's just saying the words? He doesn't really understand what they mean."

"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."

 

What do u get when you stick 50 lesbians and 50 lawyers in a room?








100 People who don't do dick!

 

Doctor Jim had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Jim, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality. Whispering:

"Jim....Jim....Jim....you're a vet."

 

It's important to have back up job skills...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said "during the exam, you took the engine a part perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

 

thats just toooooo funny