A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two
large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags
rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto
the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and
says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of
your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady.
'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them.
Thanks for telling me..'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How
did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see,
my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking
lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the
fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence
with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing
through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'


'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK?

Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady,
'not everybody pays.'

 

A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, ‘Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us’.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.’
The entire congregation said, ‘Amen.’

 

A little 10-year-old girl yesterday was walking home, alone, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, the biker turned to her and asks, "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

"NO!" said the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The biker again pulled up beside her and asks, "Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."

"NO!" said the little girl as she hurried down the street.

The biker pulled up beside the little girl again and said, "Okay kid, my last offer!

I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."

Finally, the little girl stopped, turned toward him and screamed out...
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"Look Dad, you're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley; YOU RIDE IT!"

 

hahahahah that one was good!

a baby seal walks into a club.

 

Chicken Wire

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a ***** willow."

Old man says "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."

 

lol nice

 

Apparently the boy knew something the old man didn't!

 

A Dying Priest's Wish

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had
faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for
his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I
die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon
the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the
priest.

As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy "I don't know
why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our
images." Nancy couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Nancy 's
hand in his right hand and Harry 's hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Nancy spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have
chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my
life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

The old priest continued...

"He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

 

When to Start Cussing


A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, 'when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ***. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man? 'I don't know', he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat *** it won't be Cheerios!'

 

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

"The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the WhiteHouse official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.